Learning to be Content

I am 23 years old and I take more medications on a daily basis than most adults twice my age. Every couple of weeks I find myself sitting in a waiting room, in a doctor’s office, and answering the same questions, talking about the same problems. When I think I’ve finally overcome one illness, another surfaces, and I can’t help but be disappointed and discouraged time and again.

Of course, when I hear about the life threatening illnesses that others face , I feel guilty that I ever lamented over my own health problems. I have never had to sit and listen as a doctor explained my cancer diagnosis or impairment or paralysis. In comparison to those, I am a healthy, fit 23 year old. Every morning I get up and go to work or to the gym or to church or to meetings with friends, and I lead, for the most part, a fairly average life.

However, behind all the normalcy, I feel like I am constantly struggling. I eat the wrong food and feel sick for days. I wake up with splitting headaches that leave me tired and unfocused during the day. I am plagued by nausea, stomach aches, pain, insomnia, rapid heart rates, anxiety, and muscle tension. I always seem to be covered in unexplained bruises. Running instantly causes shin splints. Exercise causes neck pain. Sitting causes restless leg. An imaging scan reveals tumors on my liver. My jaw constantly clicks and dislocates. Whatever I do, wherever I go, I always seem to be sick.
Perhaps the worst part is that there is never an answer. There’s never a cure, just symptom management, more medication, and more side effects from medication. And then there are the comments. “Maybe you’re just faking it.” “I think you’re making it up.” “You’re so dramatic.” “It’s all in your head.” I think it’s the skepticism from others that is the hardest. I know they grow tired of my constant pleas for help, my having to admit that today, I just can’t make it. I just can’t do it. I get tired, too. I want to be able to eat a full meal without growing nauseous later, to go on a trip without worrying about whether I have enough meds to cover all the emergencies. Over and over I’ve pleaded with God, “Just make me healthy.”

Contrary to how it may appear, I do not write all of this to complain or elicit sympathy. I actually write it as a confession. For years I have struggled. For years I have felt angry and upset as symptoms grew worse, questions went unanswered, and test after test came back inconclusive. I looked to God for answers and grew discouraged each time He seemed to stay silent. I craved to rid myself of the pain and panic attacks and regular visits to the doctor.

This week I was struck by a passage in Philippians, one that I have read countless times before. “Not that I speak from want, for I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:11-13 NASB)

I cannot say that God has not provided for me. He has given me great doctors. He has blessed me with a mom who takes my phone calls when there is an emergency in the middle of the night. He has given me friends who pray for me and care for me. He has allowed me to still graduate from college, work full time, and pursue a career I love despite my health problems. He has walked beside me through every scary moment, every discouraging appointment, and every test. However, despite all of this, I cannot say I have responded as Paul did and wrote about in Philippians. I have not learned to be content in whatever circumstance. I have not learned the secret of being filled or going hungry. I wanted to be healthy, not suffer in illness.

This is my confession. And it is also my first step forward. I want to know what it means, not to be healthy, but to be satisfied in the One who is healer. I want to know what it means to be content in the grace of a God who is so much bigger than a test result. I want to look to Him as my strength, not a medication or a cure. I want to understand the secret Paul spoke of. As I look at all the blessings around me, I cannot help but be grateful. God has give me more than enough.

So I’m inviting you to take this journey with me. What is standing between you and contentment? And is God bigger? I know there will still be days when I feel discouraged. However, I want to be intentional about learning to be content in every circumstance. I want to thank Him for the medications that do bring some relief, for the doctors who help, and for the victories and failures along the way. I want to stand with my family and friends, knowing that whatever the problem, my God is enough. I am satisfied. We are satisfied. And He will carry me through.